A friend suggested I start taking anti stress and depression psychiatric drugs, ("almost everyone here does"). One of my students told me she dreamed about me crying hysterically (in Berlin..?). my brother said he's worried about me, other friends expressed their concern as well. Yep, not the best time for me.
But I expect an improvement somewhere soon, the fact I can allow myself to write a new item is the sign for the much desired free time coming back soon..! The rate of new items has dropped severely from once a week to a new one every 2-4 months. Shameful, really.
Ironically, the more I have to write about the less I do. It's the result of my obsessive tendency to push my abilities to the limit, filling my whole time with 101% of engagements and duties. It's almost clinical, I think. But some things are not my responsibility as well. Not my fault this stupid apartment I renovated exhaustingly and moved into just 7 months ago is rotting completely after these winter's rains, like stinky cheese left outside in a plastic bag after a hot and humid week; walls pilling off, growing mold, big chunks of ceiling crashing down in the night, rain in the living room... not my fault I have to spend more long hours researching and looking for another camera (for the Bedouin project) after the last one I bought used from ebay.com arrived last week and was in the most terrible state that I had to send it back (hope I get my 800$ back from some Rob and Judy, Washington..!). I find it very hard to enjoy anything now, got a bit nasty to my students as well, and today I kinda ruined my brother's birthday. not entirely my fault again, but could have prevented it for sure. I felt so stressed in the car going there, I have real difficulties breathing properly for the last 2 months. just couldn't be tolerant to his loud repetitive jabbering about his latest sexual conquests. Sorry brother, sorry world, can't be a nice guy (am I ever?), feels like hospitalization soon.

Some good news: finally got a digicam, her name is Canon G5, just decided I can't wait anymore till they produce the perfect one for my needs (I know exactly how I want it to be!), so bought this one for now.. nothing perfect, but was happy to find out that at least with a camera I can make some compromises…