It
was really as bad as I thought it would be (maybe because I thought
it would?). while the rest of my fascist family (my cousin: "I
don't eat meat since '75, can't see a cow in nature and thinking
'I can eat that'... but I could eat those Arabs!!" an uncle:
"that's the law of nature, the strong ones rule, the weak ones
lose, luckily we are on the winning side"… it gets nastier
but I wouldn't elaborate) were singing songs, having fun, I found
myself at one point sitting alone in one of the rooms reading the
item I sent the night before (I sometimes check how the website
appears on different browsers and screen resolutions). it was sadly
enlightening. I felt so alone there, so alienated, what a horrible
holiday, what a suffering. tonight is the second Passover night,
a week after, families meet again for another exhausting feast,
celebrating the miracles happened in some far away legend as if
it was yesterday, celebration of violence and superiority. what
stories people tell themselves to create and justify their identity...
again alone tonight but not alienated, in a comforting environment,
my new home! whatever phone calls I made this evening I still remained
alone, however used to it (most my life) I still sometimes try to
struggle and get a bit unhappy, I call it my Friday blues (usually
the time I feel the need to write an item..). but there is also
something strong and cleansing by surviving these lone Fridays (or
any other emotional night), that brings a true, deep and constructive
side of me back to the surface. It was great going alone to the
neighborhood cinema (only 50 meters from my door!), looking at people
and things detached, feeling deeper, thinking further. "American
Splendor" - thanx to Harvey Pekar's creativity and obsessive
commitment I even made some important decisions about finally exposing
my Fossil work I completed in 2000, maybe the most serious art work
I did and totally different from what most of you know of my work…
soon on this website..? got some very surprising (always surprises me) reactions from unexpected sources to the last two items, so It really feels again like talking intimately with friends, I still don't have internet connection and normal telephone line until next week, but I'll try to upload this somehow. Come visit me here, crack a bit my loneliness... |
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