I've organized my new little nest. It's temporary as any nest, but it's here now and for the next few months. Nest is usually for the couple, waiting for their offspring maybe, but we're human, we can build a solitaire nest, for only one person, can't we? For two-three weeks, until a week ago, I've been running away from a certain sadness, deep and hollow. I didn't know I was forcibly evading, almost felt as if I managed, as if everything is ok, but it was fake. I guess I was surprised and scared by the way it hurt. The intensity. I didn't know how to handle it, I wanted out. It wasn't hard finding consolation, tapping shallowly on the little ego, and for a moment it seemed as if it's important. But I should have known, faking isn't my nature and the damage of false joy and intimacy is greater than feelings of real sorrow. I'm woken up now to this new dream reality I was both fearing and longing for; I'm far away, in my little nest, secluded, quiet, left alone, shedding off masks, recluse, allowing myself to feel like I felt when I was 17, or 7, without suppressing; soft and romantic, innocent and true. Intentional solitude and celibacy allow a purifying process, and this winter in the Negev seems like the best setting. I stay quietly at home whenever I can, start closing all the open edges I left for so many months or years during my speedy stressy lifestyle, got back to downloading all the music I forgot or haven't heard about, I even start remembering my dreams now, one special dream a night. Dissolved is the need to "go out", get in, drink, smoke, date, blur… And yes, sorrow's still here, lying, sitting and walking next to me, most of the time, but I don't run away anymore, just endure him patiently, like you do with a difficult friend.
Strange and powerful times. In a few days I resume intensive and concentrated work on the current project which makes me so happy, an additional entry to a new dream reality, complete and fascinating.
Yes, I'm a hard working, serious looking, nostalgia questing, emotions overflowing, sorrow filled smiling monk these days.